Coming Unglued

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Years ago when I was teaching a book to my 11th grade English class, it became apparent that only a handful had read the assigned pages. I always prided myself on having engaging class discussions and could always tell if students were prepared. After a few minutes of what became a monologue with a few prepared students making insightful assertions, I came a bit…unglued. I told them that if they did not come to class prepared, they would not have the benefit of my engaging and delightful interaction. I asked those who dared enter the hallowed walls of my classroom ill-prepared to collect their book and exit out the back door and find themselves in a quiet spot alone where they could become one with the book. Those who were prepared were invited to stay and be the great beneficiaries of my insight, repartee, and enchanting banter. Not a word was spoken as the little stinkers slithered from my sight.

 

What ensued with the remaining students was a pleasant exchange of ideas and insights. The incident became a humorous tale about the importance of showing up prepared.

 

Think for a moment about the changes you want to experience in connection with your emotions and reactions. Let’s figure out what causes unglued moments and then determine a goal to address them.

 

Determine a raw emotion or reaction that has reared its ugly head recently and consider using that as your impetus for change. You need to know your starting point. In Life Coaching we always find out from the client where they are and where they want to go and then we create a plan to get there. So… determine what you really want to change when it comes to your emotions.

 

You may need to collect some field data before we can set a goal. Sometimes the goals we set are easy to measure. If you have a goal to eat healthy and lose weight, you can easily measure that, but goals concerning our emotions and reactions are hard to measure. You can make observations about the food you’ve been eating and you can state your exercise habits. You can do something similar with your emotions. Think of a time when your emotions got the better of you.

 

• Did you lose control in front of others? Strangers? Your Friends? Your family?
• Did you rant and rave? Vent?
• Did you choose to hide your feelings and then regret not sharing how you really felt?
• Who was the target of your emotional outburst? 
• In what setting do you have strong negative emotional reactions?
• Is your “negative emotion arena” always the same? For example, do you only come unglued around family members? Co-workers? Students? A certain person? Spouse?

 After you have made some observations and figured out your “negative emotion arena,” write a statement that describes your goal.

 

For example:

 • I would like to express my emotions with a calm tone.

 • I would like to express my feelings instead of suppressing them.

 • I would like to keep my emotions under control when my kids are out of control.

  

In the next few weeks I’ll explore with you strategies to help you move from negative reactive emotions to positive proactive emotions. Keep in mind the promise of scripture:

 

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. Ephesians 3:17 NLT

 

 

 

 

 

 

Positve Proactive Emotions

Sunday, March 31, 2013

What is your emotional cycle? We all have one? Do you have a cycle of positive proactive emotions or negative re-active emotions? In order to create more joy in our lives, we need to learn how to create a cycle of emotions that lead to peace and joy. Christ desires for us to live in joy.

These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. John 15:11

  Many of us do well with positive emotions UNTIL someone “rains on our parade!” Then we often feel we are entitled to a time of self-pity and negativity. When circumstances don’t go our way or someone hurts us or makes us mad.

 

First of all, let’s make sure we understand what “negative emotions you believe you deserve” means.

 

• Holding grudges against someone who hurts us
• Sulking in response to being disappointed
• Giving others a cold shoulder if they’ve offended us
• Keeping an unforgiving spirit against someone
• Saying mean things
• Ignoring someone on purpose
• Going into our cave of seclusion
• Avoidance
• Procrastination
• Choosing to live in denial and ignorance
• Refusing to talk it out
• Being closed minded
• Being “snippety-snappity” – (My coined word but we all know what it means to snap at people)
• Being brash and harsh
• Having to be right
• Others? _____________________________________

We find ways to justify negative emotions that take us down into a pit of sadness, anger, and withdrawal. It’s important to examine each situation that has a potential to draw us down and examine what our overall goal is. Consider these questions:

• Do you want to be right or happy?
• Do these responses move you toward a goal for a joy-filled life or away from that goal?
• Do these responses bless others?
• Do these responses glorify God?

 If your goal is to live a life pleasing to God, one that draws you closer to him and to draw others to him, then do your emotions match your goal?

 

We all have negative triggers from time to time. A time of reflection allows us to think about how to effectively respond when we’ve been hurt.

Animals have trigger responses. They have reflexes that allow them to respond without thought. On the other hand, humans are the only known species to have highly developed communications skills. We are able to reflect and make judgments about our actions and others’ actions. God designed us with the ability to make moral choices. And God has given his most valued creation something more – the ability to pause between an action and our response. There is a gap between the two.

We get to choose how to respond. Even in a split second we can ask ourselves, “What is my goal in this situation?”

 

It is Christ’s desire that we be filled with the joy that only can be found through him. By being proactive about our emotional goals, we can be ready in the gap. What we do in the gap determines our joy level!